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pensive thoughts...

Aug. 11th, 2010 01:30 am With a little luck, one night ...

i dont do this much anymore; and i havent really posted any of my poems here. i keep them where it hurts. but i wrote a song a couple of minutes back and something about it makes me feel lost. maybe by posting it here, ill be able to find myself.

Just Hold My Hand

If you cant make me laugh
If you cant stop my tears from falling
Dont you worry
Just hold my hand

If you see the darkness
hang upon me once again
If you see the pain that you thought was lost
Back in my eyes again
Dont you worry
Just hold my hand

And if that doesn't seem enough
If the weight im carrying makes you a little sad
Dont you worry, just hold my hand
As i breathe my last
I'll whisper to you
That youre the only one
That makes me glad

---

its been a while.

...we'll drink together in a different light

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Current Location: Manila
Current Mood: lost
Current Music: Seeing Stars - Gin Blossoms

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Aug. 30th, 2009 02:14 pm sing me a rainbow

You are special, sweet, funny yet darkly mysterious. I have a dozen things rehearsed and memorized to say but they all melted when we kissed, like hailstones into rain.

You also made me realize how sad i have become. I'm tired and powerless, unable to move. Just siting here and thinking of you.


Could I keep dreaming for a little while longer

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Current Mood: I Like You
Current Music: When Im Thinking About You - The Sundays

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Jul. 20th, 2009 10:27 pm Trouble me on the days when you feel spent

I got scared; frightened out of my wits. I've been a way for so long I have already forgotten.

One moment she was fine, the next shes burning with fever. One moment she was beaming with happiness the next she was crying as the mercury rises.

I had to relearn everything. It wasn't hard but memory was painfully slow. It was a struggle to remember in one hand, and the fierce effort to remain calm on the other. For a brief moment, I was ready to rush her to the hospital.

But her fever broke, then she started to sweat, and then it was over, the medicine finally taking it's hold.

I was scared; but now I'm oh sooo tired. But sleep eludes me for now.

Let me know where the hurt is and how to heal

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Current Mood: Scared
Current Music: Trouble Me - 10000 Maniacs

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Jun. 18th, 2009 04:41 pm I think I'm dumb

Or at least that's what most people thought when i decided to move back to manila. while multitudes of Filipinos are dying (literally and no pun intended) to become citizens of the USA, I gave up, called it quits, kicked the bucket, threw in the towel, gave up the ghost.

Only a select few knew what I was going through, it's a very elite group, those "in the know". some of them saw it the same way I did, but still some insisted on "educating" me on the virtues of that once great nation. well, not everybody deserves your trust. You learn that the hard way.

But in the end, what tipped the scale was the desire to see and be with my kids. There's nothing in this world that could possibly top that. Some would argue that if I stayed a little longer I could bring my kids to live with me but that's three and a half years that I don't have or can't afford to spend without them.

now I'm all settled here and emotionally unburdened by the seeming weight of the choice that I made, I can now objectively say that I made the right choice. Not for money and not for this job but for the simple joy of kissing my kids everynight before going to bed and waking up everyday with them beside me.

Everyday, I make it a point to wake up ahead of them, just so that I could spend a few minutes watching them breathe.

I think I'm dumb... or maybe just happy.

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Jun. 18th, 2009 03:19 pm i was a shallow fuse...

our training was graced by the presence of the big boss - the senior vp of the bank. He seated himself at the back row, signalled me for a copy of the presentation, pulled out his book and started reading. From time to time he would glance at the screen, check his copy of the presentation, offers a slight nod and reads again.

Ocassionally, he would write something on his ledger, something from the presentation that caught his financially tuned hearing, or some banking issue that he needs to act on, I would never know. Whatever it is, its not that important because he went back to reading the book once again.

A participant raises her hand, a question that's nagging her, something that couldn't wait. The facilitator offers a lengthy explanation, a very flowery and theatrical response that animated the rest of the participants; a chorus of laughter broke the otherwise monotonous lecture. The big boss, gamely smiled and bantered, offered his own perspective on the subject at hand, earning the nod of everybody in the room including the cook who happened to be in the room getting a much needed glass of water.

amidst all of this, I found myself travelling through time, back to when I was cynical and my hair still has that shiny black luster, not the grey streaks that I found one day, that appeared without warning; without permission; just decided to plant itself on the temples of my soul. Back then, I do the same thing: seated at the back of the classroom, reads a book and ace the test. My classmates always wondered how I could do it.

burning all the time...

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Mar. 22nd, 2009 03:22 am i hear my voice

the hardest part in being here is not having anybody to talk to. the silence has never been this deep, not as dark as i remember it, except for that darkest of night when i thought i can just put my life in my own hands and escape (but G has other plans).

and when theres nobody to talk to, i turn to my friends who will always be there, echoing the same feelings, the same burden that i presently carry, things that are close to heart: so close, giving you enough to start wondering if it was about you.

music.

volume at its max, noise isolating earphones to make the rest of the world - reality - life, disappear even for just a moment, even for just the last few words that you could barely hear as the song fades into a paper cup where all the screams and the sorrows of this world go. oh, you should have stayed for the sunset, if not for me.

it is a struggle to do anything; theres not even enough strength to change into cleaner clothes, finding yourself waking up (from a 5 minute sleep) wearing the same clothes. and in moments like this, let me share a thing that one might find himself doing: shave your head.

i hear my voice
i hear my voice
i hear.... my voice

 

Current Mood: sadx2
Current Music: silent all these years - tori amos

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Mar. 21st, 2009 10:21 pm as far as i know nothing's wrong... until i hear it from you

i lost my store today.

i got a text message from my manager this afternoon. i knew right then that what she has for me is something that i rather not hear. i never get a call or text message from her on my day off.

took my time before i called her. a part of me was hoping that the game is not over yet. so after chain smoking three sticks of cigarette, i closed my eyes and jumped to face the bad news that was waiting.

three hours after, my store is near empty. said goodbye to two of my staff and wished them well. i told them that everything will work out in the end; i tried to be positive and strong, reassuring them that i will work for a transfer for them to a different store. but i could see in their eyes that they dont expect much and what i have is just empty promises, false hope, a box full of bullshit.

the same scene is happening across the country, with 400 of our stores closing. the aftermath would leave hundreds of people without a job, and with the economy as bad as it is right now, theres really not much hope to put in getting another job.

to say that things didn't work out for me out here would be an understatement. i wish i could comfort myself with the idea of this being a learning experience. but that would be delusional, and the last thing that i want to do is to further the idea that i could actually start a life here. it was a lie and i know it now.

life has its twists and turns; its ups and downs. i tried to look at the upside, the positive; with every turn i approached with an air of confidence. but with each day that went by, i came face to face with the familiar sadness of reality.

it didn't take long before i realized that my family is no longer the same; that whatever dream i had of being with my family once again quickly became an illusion. things became too real, the fantasy ending before it even began. i saw the fragments of my dream slip away as i spend more time with my family. and by the time i was "asked" to move out, whatever hopes i had before moving here is all but gone.

my personal life didn't progressed at all. i made a few friends, im thankful for that, but not enough to keep the sadness away. again i find myself unable to adapt to society, made even more difficult by a culture that is so different from the one i grew up in. i was a stranger in a strange land.

and now i dont even have a job. part of me wanted to argue with the decision to close my store but the image of sisyphus pushing that rock up the hill reminded me of how futile it would be. it is absurd and i find myself, once again, helpless against it. it doesn't matter that my store made every goal set upon us since i took over. it doesn't matter that we managed to turn around a store that was about to close before i worked there; it doesn't matter how many of our loyal customers express their gratitude for a service well done, nor how they think the store has changed significantly since me and my team worked there; it doesn't matter that we managed to keep the shrinkage to one percent in three inventories from losing thousands and thousands of merchandise before we took over. no, none of those matter now. somebody has to suffer the consequences of poor corporate management to save the owners from bankruptcy.

i saw three people lose their jobs today. three ordinary people who made a living by doing their best day in and day out, while those that ran the company to the midst of bankruptcy are enjoying a nice boat ride.

if that is not absurd, then david ritz can go to hell.

its sinking in fast...

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: 'Til I Hear It From You - Gin Blossoms

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Feb. 18th, 2009 12:15 am ako ngayo'y nag-iisa, nais kong magbalik sa iyo bayan ko

loosely translated: now im alone, i want to go back home.

its over. i've decided to go back home, for good. what happened over the past year is a mixture of sadness coated with a pang of realization that some things are lost and can never be rebuilt; that i, no matter how much i try, will always be stranded in a state of unmoving, where people come and go and i belonging to no one and nowhere.

in a few more months, ill be packing my meager possesions that i managed to accumulate in the span of one year: mostly books and memories of a few strangers that touched my life and helped ease the pain of being in a strange land with nothing but the shirt in my back.

i came to the US with no dreams of grandeur, just a hope that my family would be one once again. that dream fast became an illusion as the stark reality of how a broken family, fragmented in so many ways, can hurt you where no one else could.

homesickness is nothing until you are faced with the fact that your own family doesnt want you.

as soon as i got a job, i was asked, to put it kindly (theres no sense in being honest at this point) to move out. i would have manage easily if i were in manila having lived on my own even before i turned seventeen. but america is different. without a financial background, getting an apartment to rent, even if you have the means to pay for it, is close to impossible. if you managed to get a place of your own, getting around without a means of transportation is very difficult.

homesickness is nothing until you spend each passing day with nobody to talk to.

i spent days and days alone without saying a word to anybody. imagine yourself having nobody to talk to, not a friend, not a stranger, or a relative to say hi to, for a day. its not that bad, it could be done. but stretch that same scenario to the following day, and the next, and the next....

homesickness is nothing until you find yourself in a boat in the middle of the ocean and not a soul to speak to.

so naturally, an emotional high sweeps through me the moment an opportunity to talk to somebody comes up (this same paranoia will become a significant factor as i work my way trying to build a life here in the US). working in retail gave me a lot of opportunity for that, but my days off are generally spent alone.

and for more than one reason, i have decided to go home. im not looking back to the disappointment, the failure and that general sense of loss or time wasted here; instead, ill be grateful for the meager blessings that i found along the way: they are like shiny pebbles mixed in with the sand, smoothened and shaped by the never ending tide that sweeps through the coast that separates this land from home.

in a few more months ill be crossing that ocean once again.

Huwag sanang hadlangan ang aking nilalandas
sapagkat ako'y sabik, sa aking sinilangan

(please dont block my path, for i am longing for where i was born)

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: pagbabalik - asin

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Nov. 17th, 2006 12:28 am these are days that you'll remember

i just met with a live journal friend, dawn. it was the highlight of the day, heck, the highlight of my week. we talked about a lot of things, but underneath there lingers the question of, kamusta ka na? it was the most sincere yet unspoken words that could ever be left unsaid. i understood what it meant, and it really doesn't matter much if it was only me who understood.

she gave me a hug, just like the first time we met. she was feeling sick and yet she came out under the cold stars to give me a hug, to make me feel better even though she is not.

i wish i could be as strong as that. i know i cant be like that, but still, i wish i could be, even for a moment.

its true, that you
are touched by something

Current Mood: touched by something
Current Music: these are days - 10000 maniacs

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Apr. 5th, 2006 09:55 am distill the life thats inside of me

kurt died today
we remember

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sigh eternally

Current Mood: remembering
Current Music: pennyroyal tea (solo accoustic) - kurt cobain

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